Periods are the design of the Devil

C,mere. Lemme talk to you about periods. Yup, menstrual cycles. The evil time of the month that all men fear. Well, I am hear to tell ya it ain't no picnic for us women either. I don't think that men really do appreciate what we go through. Sure, some of the more sympathetic men try to empathize with us, and when we are not on our periods, we appreciate it. During, however, we think you are patronizing us. It pisses us off. Yes, hormones are involved, but so are other symptoms. Let me give you a rundown on some of the more common "side effects" of the womens' menstrual cycle:

1) of course, the mess. It isn't cool. We ruin our favorite underwear. It sucks.

2) Hormones. They make you hot, they makes you cold. They make you think everyone is being mean to you, or trying to make you cry. Everyone is evil.

3) Your boobs hurt. They throb and/or having shooting pain through they nipples. They are sore and tender.

4) CRAMPS. There are several kinds, lets discuss them all.

A) Abdominal cramps. These are reminiscent of the feeling you get doing too many sit ups. Your lower abdomen aches and it sore. it isn't terrible, but it is constant, and it always comes in conjuction with lower back pain, which is very painful.

B) Stabbing pain. Just as it sounds, someone it stabbing your uterus. You can be walking along, no pain all happy....then BOOM....the knife plunges it. I have seen it and been its victim. If you do see it, it will look like the woman just ran into an invisible wall, then clutches her stomach. It wears off quickly...but it is a painful surprise.

C) Saddle cramps. These are fuckin awful. It is two feelings, actually. The first is the "little men in spiky helmets jumping up and down in your uterus" and the second, more brutal is the "having sex with a spiky dildo" feeling. Yes, I am telling the truth. That is how it feels.

D) Alien Cramps. Where yout uterus is trying to burst through your abdomen like an Alien. If it is unsuccesful, it tries to go out your back. Ripley has got nothing on these.

E) Last but not least - the forbidden cramps. They ones no women wants to talk about. Dare I go there? I think I shall....the rectal cramps. Yes men, the cramps shoot through your abdomen and into your ass. It hurts to sit. It hurts to go to the bathroom. Basically, you are miserable. Not all women get all of these cramps, just a variation of them.

5) Diarrhea and/or constipation are common during this funfest as well. So much fun to be constipated and wearing tampons huh ladies?? And then men wonder why we are in such a bad fucking mood.

6) Frequent urination. Or, at least you THINK you have to go...turns out ya don't. It's like having a bladder infection.

7) Headaches and Migraines. Sure, you are already hemoraging and in pain...might as well make your head explode too. Give us all you got: sensitivity to smell, light and sound. Lovely.

8) The ravenous hunger of the undead: Salty, Sugary, Fatty, Chocolate, Cereal, Pastry, Pasta....ANYTHING.

THIS, my dear males, is what we women go through once a month, for an average of 5 days. Now, I really don't think any male I know could survive all of this for a DAY, let alone 5.

The moral? Men need to understand what makes us the crazy person we are at this time. Oh, yeah, and men are pussies.