The past is DEAD.
Ok, so I'd love to know what the fucking point is of bringing up shit that happened years in the past. Let me explain:
When I was a kid, I had a lot of problems. I had really bad friends that not only emotionally, but physically abused me. They told me all the time that I was the ugly one, and that I was fat. I stayed friends with them because I believed that if I didn't have them as "friends", I wouldn't have anybody. This sort of attitude was pretty destructive to me. When I found out my sister smoked, I thought that would be a good way to get her to and her friends to like me. When she asked me for a favor, I told her "sure, just get me a pack of cigarettes." Her and her friends thought that was cool, so I started hanging out with her and her friends too. The thing is, I still felt guilty, ugly and fat. So I started binge eating as well as doing drugs. Now, the drugs I thought I handled ok, and never did anything heavy (like coke, even though one of my friends did). But the food was different. I didn't see eating as a big problem like drugs. I mean c'mon, it's just food.
The thing is I couldn't stop eating the food. Honestly, I still can't. But when I was younger I used to steal food. Not just from my own house, but from my friends. If I woke up at 2 am at my friends house, I would sneak down and eat anything I thought they wouldn't miss (a twinkie, a sandwich). I would do it at home too. My mom would buy enough candy for us all, but that wasn't enough. I would steal my sister's portion when no one was around. Sometimes, no one noticed. Other times, my parents would get very upset about this "missing food" and start yelling about the "thief" who took it. It wasn't that I was scared to admit I stole, I mean I deserved a punishment. I was ashamed to admit that I was such a pig that I was stealing food from my own family. I would watch my own siblings get punished because of me, and I hated it. I use to cry about it all the time. Then, of course….I'd want to eat again.
The stealing eventually stopped when I got a job. Then I could buy my own guilty food. At least then I wouldn't get anyone into trouble. Of course, I still get shit from myfamily about my buying my own food. ("You don't need that!") I would occasionally eat other peoples' food from home, but I would either replace it or admit that I ate it and tell them "I'll buy you a new one." I still get their looks and "I can't believe you ate all of that". At least they aren't getting punished anymore.
My sister's brought this all up to me the other day, of all places….AT MY JOB. In my office, in front of coworkers, my two younger sisters decided to play "Libby the food-thief" and detail stories about all the things I stole when I was a kid. One sis even tried to say that the reason she has a guilt complex today is because of all the punishments she got when she was younger that were because of me. (*coughbullshitcough*). I am 27 years old, 140lbs overweight, chronically depressed and I hate my life…and they want to lay this on me NOW. WHY? Why do people feel the need to bring up old shit? You want an apology? FINE.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
HAPPY??
When I was a kid, I had a lot of problems. I had really bad friends that not only emotionally, but physically abused me. They told me all the time that I was the ugly one, and that I was fat. I stayed friends with them because I believed that if I didn't have them as "friends", I wouldn't have anybody. This sort of attitude was pretty destructive to me. When I found out my sister smoked, I thought that would be a good way to get her to and her friends to like me. When she asked me for a favor, I told her "sure, just get me a pack of cigarettes." Her and her friends thought that was cool, so I started hanging out with her and her friends too. The thing is, I still felt guilty, ugly and fat. So I started binge eating as well as doing drugs. Now, the drugs I thought I handled ok, and never did anything heavy (like coke, even though one of my friends did). But the food was different. I didn't see eating as a big problem like drugs. I mean c'mon, it's just food.
The thing is I couldn't stop eating the food. Honestly, I still can't. But when I was younger I used to steal food. Not just from my own house, but from my friends. If I woke up at 2 am at my friends house, I would sneak down and eat anything I thought they wouldn't miss (a twinkie, a sandwich). I would do it at home too. My mom would buy enough candy for us all, but that wasn't enough. I would steal my sister's portion when no one was around. Sometimes, no one noticed. Other times, my parents would get very upset about this "missing food" and start yelling about the "thief" who took it. It wasn't that I was scared to admit I stole, I mean I deserved a punishment. I was ashamed to admit that I was such a pig that I was stealing food from my own family. I would watch my own siblings get punished because of me, and I hated it. I use to cry about it all the time. Then, of course….I'd want to eat again.
The stealing eventually stopped when I got a job. Then I could buy my own guilty food. At least then I wouldn't get anyone into trouble. Of course, I still get shit from myfamily about my buying my own food. ("You don't need that!") I would occasionally eat other peoples' food from home, but I would either replace it or admit that I ate it and tell them "I'll buy you a new one." I still get their looks and "I can't believe you ate all of that". At least they aren't getting punished anymore.
My sister's brought this all up to me the other day, of all places….AT MY JOB. In my office, in front of coworkers, my two younger sisters decided to play "Libby the food-thief" and detail stories about all the things I stole when I was a kid. One sis even tried to say that the reason she has a guilt complex today is because of all the punishments she got when she was younger that were because of me. (*coughbullshitcough*). I am 27 years old, 140lbs overweight, chronically depressed and I hate my life…and they want to lay this on me NOW. WHY? Why do people feel the need to bring up old shit? You want an apology? FINE.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
HAPPY??
posted by Gibulet @ 10:35 AM
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