Animals are better than People

Ok, so I said that animals deserve a blog of their own. I suppose today is a good day. *Check the weather* Yes, today will do.

Animals rock. In a nutshell, I guess. Why? Well, becuase your dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, fat or thin, smart or stupid, male or female....you get the idea. Everyone is one of two things to a dog: Friend or Foe. Well, that's a little false, sometimes dogs just "tolerate" people, not as a friend or enemy.

Another thing, dogs don't judge each other. A shih tzu doesn't resent a collie, a newfoundland doesn't hate a pyrenees for being a different color. Hell, they sniff each other ass and move on. Aside from the ass-sniffing, we could learn something from that. Dogs are companions, best friends and therapists. Just having one can lower blood pressure, raise self esteem and enhance relaxation.

ok, cats. We are here to serve cats. They really believe this. I blame the Egyptians, the whole worship thing screwed with their head. Cats DO judge other cats, it in their nature. It's almost as if dogs are humans good side and cats are the judemental sides. However, cats give great massages, are adorable when they purr, and are funny as hell when you scare them and they fly through the air. They are our comic relief and our fashion police (they only shed on the bad shit, you know it's true). Gotta love them.

I get along with animals way better than I do people. Animals need food, water and love to survive. People lie, cheat and steal to obtain things that won't ever make them as happy as holding a puppy can. It is unconditional love....what everyone wants :)

Periods are the design of the Devil

C,mere. Lemme talk to you about periods. Yup, menstrual cycles. The evil time of the month that all men fear. Well, I am hear to tell ya it ain't no picnic for us women either. I don't think that men really do appreciate what we go through. Sure, some of the more sympathetic men try to empathize with us, and when we are not on our periods, we appreciate it. During, however, we think you are patronizing us. It pisses us off. Yes, hormones are involved, but so are other symptoms. Let me give you a rundown on some of the more common "side effects" of the womens' menstrual cycle:

1) of course, the mess. It isn't cool. We ruin our favorite underwear. It sucks.

2) Hormones. They make you hot, they makes you cold. They make you think everyone is being mean to you, or trying to make you cry. Everyone is evil.

3) Your boobs hurt. They throb and/or having shooting pain through they nipples. They are sore and tender.

4) CRAMPS. There are several kinds, lets discuss them all.

A) Abdominal cramps. These are reminiscent of the feeling you get doing too many sit ups. Your lower abdomen aches and it sore. it isn't terrible, but it is constant, and it always comes in conjuction with lower back pain, which is very painful.

B) Stabbing pain. Just as it sounds, someone it stabbing your uterus. You can be walking along, no pain all happy....then BOOM....the knife plunges it. I have seen it and been its victim. If you do see it, it will look like the woman just ran into an invisible wall, then clutches her stomach. It wears off quickly...but it is a painful surprise.

C) Saddle cramps. These are fuckin awful. It is two feelings, actually. The first is the "little men in spiky helmets jumping up and down in your uterus" and the second, more brutal is the "having sex with a spiky dildo" feeling. Yes, I am telling the truth. That is how it feels.

D) Alien Cramps. Where yout uterus is trying to burst through your abdomen like an Alien. If it is unsuccesful, it tries to go out your back. Ripley has got nothing on these.

E) Last but not least - the forbidden cramps. They ones no women wants to talk about. Dare I go there? I think I shall....the rectal cramps. Yes men, the cramps shoot through your abdomen and into your ass. It hurts to sit. It hurts to go to the bathroom. Basically, you are miserable. Not all women get all of these cramps, just a variation of them.

5) Diarrhea and/or constipation are common during this funfest as well. So much fun to be constipated and wearing tampons huh ladies?? And then men wonder why we are in such a bad fucking mood.

6) Frequent urination. Or, at least you THINK you have to go...turns out ya don't. It's like having a bladder infection.

7) Headaches and Migraines. Sure, you are already hemoraging and in pain...might as well make your head explode too. Give us all you got: sensitivity to smell, light and sound. Lovely.

8) The ravenous hunger of the undead: Salty, Sugary, Fatty, Chocolate, Cereal, Pastry, Pasta....ANYTHING.

THIS, my dear males, is what we women go through once a month, for an average of 5 days. Now, I really don't think any male I know could survive all of this for a DAY, let alone 5.

The moral? Men need to understand what makes us the crazy person we are at this time. Oh, yeah, and men are pussies.

People

I don't really like people. I never really understood why, I just don't. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that I have a keen ability to understand people, at times even better than they understand themselves. I never really thought much about this, I just thought I could easily see through bullshit. Probably because I was such an ace bullshitter myself, so it takes one to know one.

Maybe that is the problem. I know people. Not the front they put up for the world, or as Chris Rock says "their representative". I tend to see the person they try to hide. Sometimes, that is a good thing. I know a few people who really don't know how great they are, but I know it. Then off course, there is when it is a bad thing. I can see how a seemingly charming person is in reality a petty and hurtful person when no one else even suspects it. It is very frustrating, to know these things and have no one believe it. You just try telling someone that you know them better than they know themself. It isn't pretty. They call you egotistical, self-important, delusional, pathetic and a variety of other colorful names.

Seeing people in this way, I have discovered that more people tend to be rude, stupid, arrogant and self-absorbed than they do nice and personable. I believe that this is why I dislike most people. I see the bad more often than the good, and it's jaded me. It's sad really, that my instinct is to assume the worst, just because I have seen it so often. I suppose that is why when I really DO find honest-to-goodness people that are genuinely nice with no pretense or ulterior motives, I try to "keep" them. Stay friends, talk to them all I can. Learn from them and appreciate them, because they are rare.

I am generally considered a hermit. A curmudgeon, whose only contact with other living creatures is my dog or other animals that I love to spend time with. I no longer think it is because I am surly, I think it is because I don't like what I see in most people, and I only bother to spend my time with those that I like.

Animals are a blog for another time, they deserve a spotlight of their own :)

Dreams are wierd

Ok, so I'm having this dream where I am running. Don't ask me why, I don't think I was being chased or anything. I think I was running to get to someone. Hell, I dunno, anyway so I'm running. I wake up and my legs are KILLING me. It felt like I had run a marathon, which, you know I kinda did, but in my dream. This is interesting to me. Did I really run in my sleep? How can my legs hurt if I never really moved?

And what about sex dreams? When we are lucky enough to have a really good sex dream (ya know the one...where you actually DO have an orgasm in your sleep). Then again, how did that happen? Did you masturbate and not know it? Wouldn't that be wierd to anyone you may have been sharing a bed with at the time? It isn't conscious, so how can it happen?

I've decided it's because your brain really doesn't know dreams from reality. Hell, it could be thinking you are dreaming right now, reading this blog. Kind of a boring though, you need a better imagination if this your dream. Anyway, I digress. If your brain doesn't know the difference, how do I know I'm NOT asleep right now? Can I do shit like I do in my dream? Hmmm...maybe if I concentrate.....

*Enter Joaquin Pheonix in a loincloth*
*Enter Joaquin....*
*ENTER JOAQUIN*
*FUCKING GET YOUR ASS HERE JOAQUIN*

Sigh. damn. Stupid brain. I can run a marathon without the health benefits in my dreams, but I can't fool my brain into producing a hot guy at will. This is why I should just nap during the day.